Saturday, April 05, 2008

Perplexed, maybe regretful, even distraught

I have been closing out so many things recently  .. people, experiences, places ! Judging (and rejecting) from first impressions. Worrying too much about other people judging me ! And I did not even realize I was doing this. Its so easy to get into a defensive shell and start firing pre-emptive salvos at anyone that approaches. The self-deception then comes automatically to cover the fact that you are doing this.

Something happened yesterday that made me suddenly aware of what was happening. I was perplexed .. because I did not realize I was doing it. Regretful .. that I did it to someone, and possibly hurt them. And distraught .. that I am capable of doing the very things that I disapprove of in other people.

I am sure that 2 years ago this would not have happened. I was always able to find a good vibe, and connect with people (maybe just fleetingly). What has changed ? I no longer have a regular job. I am not in a relationship. And I am almost a nomad .. wandering from Delhi to San Francisco .. spending a month or two at each place, with no time to grow roots in either one. Is it the new urgency of trying to take in a place because I know I will soon be away from here ? Or just too much time on my hands, doing nothing creative, the brain atrophying, seeking ephemeral pleasures to distract itself. Or maybe, as the wisdom goes, I just need to get laid more often :-)

Ah! Of Course! Its the tooth pain. Sucking all the life forces, leaving behind a bitter rancor, the pestilence of hate. Yes, I think I will blame the physical for the lapse in the spiritual. So easy to find a scapegoat.

Doing something creative (or being around a creative process) is what I am yearning for right now. This writing exercise is part of it. The two other things I will work on is the music and the pictures. Maybe this will keep me busy for a while.

Again .. this blog is mostly a personal journal. It is meant to give me a snapshot of my historical thoughts and actions, rather than be a voyeuristic window into my soul. And an advertisement for the fact that I can be a good pop-psychologist. Maybe even a cult leader.